My Heart was broken on Christmas

I had an eye opening moment today (Christmas Day.)

My daughter Bailey had just finished opening her Christmas presents, and we were relaxing watching the Walt Disney World Christmas parade on TV, and eating breakfast. Our "traditional" Christmas breakfast is Blueberry muffins and candy from our stockings.

We had opened a box of See's Candy, and I had enjoyed several pieces of chocolate. After eating a few of them Bailey walked upstairs to her room. I had assumed that she was going up there to play with some of her new toys. My wife called me upstairs a few minutes later. I went into Bailey's room and found her crying in Mommy's arms. I asked her what was wrong but she refused to tell me. Finally my wife told me what had upset Bailey.

She was upset that I had had eaten too much candy and that I would stay "Big" and keep getting bigger. She was afraid that people were going to make fun of me and my size. She was also afraid that my "Sugar" was going to get too high and make me sick. She was very very upset, and crying real tears.

Needless to say I was absolutely heartbroken when I heard this. I did not know what to say. I wanted to reassure her that everything was going to be fine, (but I couldn't, if I don't change, that will be a lie, and things won't be OK.) I gave her a huge hug, and thanked her for her love and concern. I wanted to cry so badly, but I wanted to be strong in front of Bailey and make her feel better. Now after I have reflected on it all day, and can sit here at the keyboard in my home office (and "privacy" of the the Internet) and let it all out.

I can't remember a time when I felt so bad as I did at that moment. I felt like the worst father in the world. Not only am I hurting myself with my eating and exercise habits, but look at what I am putting my Daughter through as well. My guilt is overwhelming. I am trying to figure out a way to turn this moment into something positive, but it is very difficult.

I am going to try and remember this feeling, and how I made Bailey feel today, when ever I am going to do something unhealthy. Maybe that will give me strength and help me not do the things that are killing me. Pray for me and my family, I will need all the help I can get !!

Bad Month/ Turning 40

Well I finally turned the big 4-0.

I do not care about Birthdays too much. I am not hung up on turning round numbers. Being forty is no different that being 39 or 41. but having my Wife and Daughter along with my Mom and Dad here made me appreciate what I have and how much there is to loose.

Obviously I have not posted in over a month (always a bad sign.) I am back off track (AGAIN !!) My knee has really been bothering me, and prevented me from getting much exercise (along with a healthy dose of laziness.) Going hand in hand with the lack of exercise has been bad eating habits.

I have gained most of my weight back (if not a bit extra.)

Once I get through the Holidays, I will redouble my efforts and restart my healthy lifestyle (AGAIN) . I have new work shoes and running shoes (Thank you Mom and Dad !!) so that should help my knee problem a bunch.

I hope every one has a safe and happy Holiday Season !!